Bowled Over

Speechless.

It’s 4:14 AM and I have nothing to do.

(REWIND)

11:00 AM, I was pulled out to talk to my supervisor and my manager because of a complaint. The complaint says I was rude. Am I? So what now? What am I going to do for 6 1/5 hours aside from surfing the net and getting busy with the chat room which is very boring and full of insensitive people?

Well, I’m going to do the thing which I have become a master of, CONTEMPLATE.

4:21 na, pwede na akong mag-umpisang magcontemplate. Okay. So, ano na? Ayun, FRUSTRATING, kasi gusto kong maging magaling sa lahat ng gagawin ko, bata pa lang ako nasanay na akong maging super achiever at nasanay akong maging crème of the crop pero why is there a sudden twist of faith?

Una, gusto kong maging accountant, banker nga ako pero hindi naman ako accountant at malaki ang difference nun, ayokong magtrabaho sa call center pero wala naman akong choice kasi ito lang ang alam kong trabaho na magbibigay sakin ng perang ipangpapakain ko sa pamilya ko. Napakahirap maging honest talaga, mahirap iadmit na naghihirap ka kasi siyempre, pride na nga lang ang natira sayo and come to think of it, it’s one of the things that you can still keep for yourself and hold on to it no matter what at yun na lang talaga ang makakapagboost ng morale mo. Gusto kong kumita ng malaking pera para maibigay ko sa anak ko ang mga pangangailangan niya. Naibibili ko naman siya ng basic needs niya, gatas, pagkain, vitamins atbp, pero gusto ko rin siyang bilhan ng maraming laruan, books, damit na hindi niya naman masyadong kailangan, yung mga bagay na pwede namang wala nalang pero gusto ko meron siya nung mga yun kasi nga pride yun ng magulang at magulang ako. Kaso lang kulang talaga.

Pangalawa, ewan ko kung pangalawa ba talaga to or continuation nung una, basta, gusto kong mafulfill ng partner ko ang dreams niya. Gusto kong maging police officer siya or soldier kasi yun talaga yung gusto niya. He was almost there. Magiging asawa na sana ako ng opisyal pero ayaw ng Diyos. May problema siya sa mata, partial colorblindness. Yung iba totally colorblind pero nakapagpatuloy kasi may puting kabayo at matigas na pader na sinasandalan, siya may nakikitang konti pero hindi nabigyan ng pagkakataon. Ngayon, wala parin siyang trabaho. Nahihirapan na nga ako kasi ako lang mag-isa ang kumikita. Gusto kong maghanap nalang siya ng ibang trabaho, yung makakadagdag naman sa kita namin para hindi naman ako masyadong mahirapan pero hindi ko masabi sa kanya sa paraang maiintindihan niya. I’m torn between helping him achieve him dreams or help him help me in helping our family. Hindi ko siya kayang obligahin na tulungan ako, kaya hanggat kaya ginagawa ko para kumita.

Pangatlo, ang dami ko nang nasisirang relationship, nasira ko ang relasyon naming ng kaibigan ko dahil sa utang na hindi ko pa nababayaran. Napapanaginipan ko sila palagi at sa panaginip ko lagi akong humihingi ng tawad. Feeling ko din sobrang nadisappoint ko parents ko at lalo na ang daddy ko, nagtiwala siya sa akin but I lost it dahil din sa pera. Hindi ko alam bakit pero as long as there is a way na makatulong ako sa pamilya ko, kahit magkautang ako, gagawin ko at ayos lang kahit wala nang matira sakin. Pati relationship ko sa officemates ko at kaibigan ko, iba na dahil sa fear of rejection na pag nalaman nila na ganito akong tao, lumayo sila. Matino naman akonf tao, ewan ko pero feeling ko they will judge me for what they do not know. Ang dami ko na ring mga kwentong nabuo para lang pagtakpan ang mga utang at pagkukulang ko.

Gusto ko na nga minsan tumakbo, umalis, magpakalayo para takasan ang lahat ng problema, utang, kasinungalingan but most of it is takasan anf realidad ng ngayon. Naisip ko na flight will not correct the mistakes, it may make me rest for a while but it will not make me correct my mistakes. I wanted to raise the white flag, but I’m not the quitter type. I may not be able to correct the mistakes of the past but I can and I have learned from it.

Ang hirap maging anak, kapatid, asawa’t ina.

*sigh*

How can I tell?

How am I suppose to feel. We only have less than 6 hours left and I know for sure that I'm gonna miss him for sure.

Katabi ko siya ngayon at ang hirap isipin na magkakalayo kami for more than one year, ang tagal n'on. Ayoko din namang umuwi siya agad kasi gusto ko na mafulfill yunf dreams niya. Kung ako lang ang masusunod, ayokong umalis siya pero para sa kanya din yun.

Basta mamimiss ko siya at ayoko ng pamilyang malayo sa isa't-isa. Mahirap.

I can tolerate the pain of missing him today but how about tomorrow, the day after it, next week, next month, next year?

Why do people part? I'm hurting now, not because somebody's hurting me but because of the fact that I have always been alone ever since and I have to accept it because it is part of God's plan.

HINAGPIS

*sigh*

12:25 AM. Lunchtime. Phone check: walang message. Ano ba? Nakakalito.

Nagdesisyon ako ng padalosdalos, hindi ko inisip yung outcome pero bahala na. Alam ko na rin naman ang ending nito at hindi ko naman pwedeng panghawakan ang pangakong walang basehan. Siguro nga panahon na para ipaubaya sa kapalaran ang kinabukasan at enjoyin nalang kung anuman ang meron ako ngayon. Nakakapagod magmahal kung alam mong nagawa mo nang lahat, tama at mali pero wala parin, hindi parin, ayaw parin. Gusto kong umiyak pero nakakahiya kasi ang daming tao, gusto kong umuwi nalang pero hindi pwede. Ano ba?

Sabi ko hiwalayan n’ya nalang ako at ginawa n’ya nga. Hindi na daw siya pupunta dito, bahala siya. Pinilit ko siyang pakisamahan ang pamilya ko pero bakit parang napakahirap para sa kanyang gawin ‘yon? Mahal siya ng mommy at daddy ko pero hindi niya man lang makuhang palit ng paggalang ‘yon. Pero dun sa magulang ng iba, nakikipagbonding siya. Kung ayaw niya, huwag niya. Bakit ko naman ipagpapalit ang pamilya ko sa taong hindi naman ako kayang mahalin bilang ako at ang nakikita lang sa akin ‘e yung lahat ng kasalanan ko. Hindi ko nga siguro alam ang tunay na kahulugan ng LOVE. Ewan. Ah ewan.

Kapag hindi siya dumating bukas, wala na talaga at wala naman akong choice kundi maging handa nalang. Masaktan man ako, atleast tapos na. Time heals all wounds naman eh tapos gagawin ko rin yung ginawa ni Julia Roberts sa Eat, Love and Pray, magpapahinga, magmemeditate, soul searching and focus muna sa anak ko at studies. Sisikapin kong simulan ang buhay na mag-isa, mangarap muli pero ngayon hindi ko na idedepende ang buhay ko sa buhay ng kung sinong tao. Magiging mabuting nanay, anak, kapatid, kaibigan, estudyante at empleyado. Love life? ‘Wag muna, nakakatakot, lalo pa’t babae ang anak ko, hindi pwedeng magpadalosdalos.

Sana mabasa ‘to ni Ishi. Kasi nahihirapan talaga ako (Ayan, tumulo na naman ang luha ko at nakakahiya kasi may mga tao) at wala akong karamay I’m in a crowd but I feel so alone. Nakakamiss tuloy si Ishi kasi kung sana’y katabi ko siya ngayon, may magpapahid ng luha ko. Nahihirapan na talaga ako. Gusto kong sumigaw Why did HE give me such a high quota for suffering and pain? Wala pa nga akong asawa pero parang bigla akong nagging biyuda.

This is a piece of art that I want to share with you all. The title of the song is Somebody by Depeche Mode. The lyrics speaks of what I want in my life, the want turned into a need that I have to have to be human and a real being.

I want somebody to share, share the rest of my lifeShare my innermost thoughts, know my intimate detailsSomeone who'll stand by my side and give me support
And in return she'll get my supportShe will listen to me when I want to speakAbout the world we live in and life in genera
Though my views may be wrong, they may even be pervertedShe'll hear me out, and won't easily be convertedTo my way of thinking in fact she'll often disagreeBut at the end of it all she will understand me
Though my views may be wrong, they may even be pervertedShe'll hear me out, and won't easily be convertedTo my way of thinking in fact she'll often disagreeBut at the end of it all she will understand meI want somebody who cares for me passionatelyWith every thought and with every breath
Someone who'll help me see things in a different lightAll the things I detest I will almost likeI don't want to be tied to anyone's stringsI'm carefully trying to steer clear of those things
But when I'm asleep I want somebodyWho will put their arms around me, kiss me tenderlyThough things like this make me sickIn a case like this I'll get away with it
aaOoh ohhOohAah

I can’t get over it. This has been my favorite for two years now and I don’t usually get attached to a song for that long.

Dreams of My Reality

What’s the difference between a nightmare and a dream?

According to Merriam Webster Dictionary nightmare is an evil spirit formerly thought to oppress people during sleep and a dream is a series of thoughts, images or emotions occurring during sleep.

Well basically they are the same, but in to make it less complex dream is when we like the thoughts that occurred when we were sleeping and nightmare is the opposite.

I just had a nightmare, well it was a really a dream. I know I’m afraid on how I will face it but I hope I can and I wish it was real. I wish it did happen in real life even if it was shameful and unforgivable. I’m already tired of putting things in other people’s perspective now; I guess it’s time to level up. But the real question is, Am I ready to hurt the people who trusted me loved me from the start and who never gave up on me through time? Life is a matter of fate and our fate is a product of our choice. I choose this, I choose to stay out of trouble and be happy.

Just Like in Gossip Girl

What if life is as complicated as the lives of the people in Gossip Girl? Hypothetically, mine can be suited there and is a resemblance of each and every character. If I were a cast then I might be Serena Van Der Woodsen for having excuses and explanations for every action and for making them sound right even if they are wrong, I also have a friend who defends me and gets me out of trouble all the time or I can also be Blair Waldorf who will do everything to get what she wants, manipulates everyone to make the stars align as planned and to get even to those who have hurt her. I can also see myself in Lily Wan Der Woodsen who loves her family so much and follows the advice of the elderly but still knows a way to follow her heart. Well, I guess the best lesson that I have learned from it is from Serena’s and Dan’s relationship. Honesty is still the best policy. Do not judge so that you won’t be judged. Understand and let other’s understand. It’s okay not to forget but try to move at least and make sure to learn the lesson.

My heart is pounding. I feel heavy. Just two weeks ago, well not really two weeks ago, I was so happy being surrounded by people, whom I know, loves me no matter what. I felt so secured and happy. The love we showed for each other was overwhelming. But then, you can not just feel that way all year round, we also have to be alone so that we can appreciate the presence of these people. And that’s where I’m at right now. I’m so alone but not lonely because I know somewhere under the same sky, they are thinking of me and praying that I will be fine.