Well, Happy Birthday Tay!
We have known each other for a long time now and I must say that for each moment we spent together, I’m learning more about life and about you. We may be having a tough time these times but I know that we’re the best in terms of resolving our issues and I hope that we’ll never get tired of resolving our issues over time. What’s ahead of us is yet uncertain and I would accept it if we end up in somebody else’s arms or if we’re not meant to be together forever, at least we were together once and that’s enough. You are a good person (I am not that bad too, but I’m not as good as you or them) and you deserve to be with someone better (better than me). You have a choice and even if ‘us’ is impossible, then remember that your best years are still ahead of you and I'll be there for your every up, down and in between. If not physically, at least in prayers.
For all that we've been through, I still love you and I will always do.
Happy birthday again.
Saturday, July 2, 2011
Saturday, June 25, 2011
King of My Heart
Dad,
I wanted to blame you for everything that happened to my life, those decisions you've made, those mistakes you've done, those words you've said, they all left mark to my path and you we're always the figure that I have in mind everytime I think about the future. I wanted to hate you for a life that's so hard and for giving me a rough road. I wanted to disgust you for not doing everything for us, for me. I wanted to but I didn't,I won't and I can't.
Someday, I may find my prince but you will always be my king. Thank you for the decisions you've made for me when I was vacillating, they made me wise, your mistakes made me conscious and your words made me think. Thank you for a hard life and the rough road, it made me tough and I was able to learn how to live life even in the hard way. Thank you for not doing everything for me, I've realized how important it is for me to stand on my own.
You have Ishi now, you may have a new angel but dad I miss us, I miss talking to you and being your little girl again.
You're amazing Dad. You know how to do alwast all things from running the country to producing coffee, from making speeches to running a business, from singing to preaching. You rock. Cheers to you. Happy father's day.
I wanted to blame you for everything that happened to my life, those decisions you've made, those mistakes you've done, those words you've said, they all left mark to my path and you we're always the figure that I have in mind everytime I think about the future. I wanted to hate you for a life that's so hard and for giving me a rough road. I wanted to disgust you for not doing everything for us, for me. I wanted to but I didn't,I won't and I can't.
Someday, I may find my prince but you will always be my king. Thank you for the decisions you've made for me when I was vacillating, they made me wise, your mistakes made me conscious and your words made me think. Thank you for a hard life and the rough road, it made me tough and I was able to learn how to live life even in the hard way. Thank you for not doing everything for me, I've realized how important it is for me to stand on my own.
You have Ishi now, you may have a new angel but dad I miss us, I miss talking to you and being your little girl again.
You're amazing Dad. You know how to do alwast all things from running the country to producing coffee, from making speeches to running a business, from singing to preaching. You rock. Cheers to you. Happy father's day.
Bowled Over
Speechless.
It’s 4:14 AM and I have nothing to do.
(REWIND)
11:00 AM, I was pulled out to talk to my supervisor and my manager because of a complaint. The complaint says I was rude. Am I? So what now? What am I going to do for 6 1/5 hours aside from surfing the net and getting busy with the chat room which is very boring and full of insensitive people?
Well, I’m going to do the thing which I have become a master of, CONTEMPLATE.
4:21 na, pwede na akong mag-umpisang magcontemplate. Okay. So, ano na? Ayun, FRUSTRATING, kasi gusto kong maging magaling sa lahat ng gagawin ko, bata pa lang ako nasanay na akong maging super achiever at nasanay akong maging crème of the crop pero why is there a sudden twist of faith?
Una, gusto kong maging accountant, banker nga ako pero hindi naman ako accountant at malaki ang difference nun, ayokong magtrabaho sa call center pero wala naman akong choice kasi ito lang ang alam kong trabaho na magbibigay sakin ng perang ipangpapakain ko sa pamilya ko. Napakahirap maging honest talaga, mahirap iadmit na naghihirap ka kasi siyempre, pride na nga lang ang natira sayo and come to think of it, it’s one of the things that you can still keep for yourself and hold on to it no matter what at yun na lang talaga ang makakapagboost ng morale mo. Gusto kong kumita ng malaking pera para maibigay ko sa anak ko ang mga pangangailangan niya. Naibibili ko naman siya ng basic needs niya, gatas, pagkain, vitamins atbp, pero gusto ko rin siyang bilhan ng maraming laruan, books, damit na hindi niya naman masyadong kailangan, yung mga bagay na pwede namang wala nalang pero gusto ko meron siya nung mga yun kasi nga pride yun ng magulang at magulang ako. Kaso lang kulang talaga.
Pangalawa, ewan ko kung pangalawa ba talaga to or continuation nung una, basta, gusto kong mafulfill ng partner ko ang dreams niya. Gusto kong maging police officer siya or soldier kasi yun talaga yung gusto niya. He was almost there. Magiging asawa na sana ako ng opisyal pero ayaw ng Diyos. May problema siya sa mata, partial colorblindness. Yung iba totally colorblind pero nakapagpatuloy kasi may puting kabayo at matigas na pader na sinasandalan, siya may nakikitang konti pero hindi nabigyan ng pagkakataon. Ngayon, wala parin siyang trabaho. Nahihirapan na nga ako kasi ako lang mag-isa ang kumikita. Gusto kong maghanap nalang siya ng ibang trabaho, yung makakadagdag naman sa kita namin para hindi naman ako masyadong mahirapan pero hindi ko masabi sa kanya sa paraang maiintindihan niya. I’m torn between helping him achieve him dreams or help him help me in helping our family. Hindi ko siya kayang obligahin na tulungan ako, kaya hanggat kaya ginagawa ko para kumita.
Pangatlo, ang dami ko nang nasisirang relationship, nasira ko ang relasyon naming ng kaibigan ko dahil sa utang na hindi ko pa nababayaran. Napapanaginipan ko sila palagi at sa panaginip ko lagi akong humihingi ng tawad. Feeling ko din sobrang nadisappoint ko parents ko at lalo na ang daddy ko, nagtiwala siya sa akin but I lost it dahil din sa pera. Hindi ko alam bakit pero as long as there is a way na makatulong ako sa pamilya ko, kahit magkautang ako, gagawin ko at ayos lang kahit wala nang matira sakin. Pati relationship ko sa officemates ko at kaibigan ko, iba na dahil sa fear of rejection na pag nalaman nila na ganito akong tao, lumayo sila. Matino naman akonf tao, ewan ko pero feeling ko they will judge me for what they do not know. Ang dami ko na ring mga kwentong nabuo para lang pagtakpan ang mga utang at pagkukulang ko.
Gusto ko na nga minsan tumakbo, umalis, magpakalayo para takasan ang lahat ng problema, utang, kasinungalingan but most of it is takasan anf realidad ng ngayon. Naisip ko na flight will not correct the mistakes, it may make me rest for a while but it will not make me correct my mistakes. I wanted to raise the white flag, but I’m not the quitter type. I may not be able to correct the mistakes of the past but I can and I have learned from it.
Ang hirap maging anak, kapatid, asawa’t ina.
*sigh*
It’s 4:14 AM and I have nothing to do.
(REWIND)
11:00 AM, I was pulled out to talk to my supervisor and my manager because of a complaint. The complaint says I was rude. Am I? So what now? What am I going to do for 6 1/5 hours aside from surfing the net and getting busy with the chat room which is very boring and full of insensitive people?
Well, I’m going to do the thing which I have become a master of, CONTEMPLATE.
4:21 na, pwede na akong mag-umpisang magcontemplate. Okay. So, ano na? Ayun, FRUSTRATING, kasi gusto kong maging magaling sa lahat ng gagawin ko, bata pa lang ako nasanay na akong maging super achiever at nasanay akong maging crème of the crop pero why is there a sudden twist of faith?
Una, gusto kong maging accountant, banker nga ako pero hindi naman ako accountant at malaki ang difference nun, ayokong magtrabaho sa call center pero wala naman akong choice kasi ito lang ang alam kong trabaho na magbibigay sakin ng perang ipangpapakain ko sa pamilya ko. Napakahirap maging honest talaga, mahirap iadmit na naghihirap ka kasi siyempre, pride na nga lang ang natira sayo and come to think of it, it’s one of the things that you can still keep for yourself and hold on to it no matter what at yun na lang talaga ang makakapagboost ng morale mo. Gusto kong kumita ng malaking pera para maibigay ko sa anak ko ang mga pangangailangan niya. Naibibili ko naman siya ng basic needs niya, gatas, pagkain, vitamins atbp, pero gusto ko rin siyang bilhan ng maraming laruan, books, damit na hindi niya naman masyadong kailangan, yung mga bagay na pwede namang wala nalang pero gusto ko meron siya nung mga yun kasi nga pride yun ng magulang at magulang ako. Kaso lang kulang talaga.
Pangalawa, ewan ko kung pangalawa ba talaga to or continuation nung una, basta, gusto kong mafulfill ng partner ko ang dreams niya. Gusto kong maging police officer siya or soldier kasi yun talaga yung gusto niya. He was almost there. Magiging asawa na sana ako ng opisyal pero ayaw ng Diyos. May problema siya sa mata, partial colorblindness. Yung iba totally colorblind pero nakapagpatuloy kasi may puting kabayo at matigas na pader na sinasandalan, siya may nakikitang konti pero hindi nabigyan ng pagkakataon. Ngayon, wala parin siyang trabaho. Nahihirapan na nga ako kasi ako lang mag-isa ang kumikita. Gusto kong maghanap nalang siya ng ibang trabaho, yung makakadagdag naman sa kita namin para hindi naman ako masyadong mahirapan pero hindi ko masabi sa kanya sa paraang maiintindihan niya. I’m torn between helping him achieve him dreams or help him help me in helping our family. Hindi ko siya kayang obligahin na tulungan ako, kaya hanggat kaya ginagawa ko para kumita.
Pangatlo, ang dami ko nang nasisirang relationship, nasira ko ang relasyon naming ng kaibigan ko dahil sa utang na hindi ko pa nababayaran. Napapanaginipan ko sila palagi at sa panaginip ko lagi akong humihingi ng tawad. Feeling ko din sobrang nadisappoint ko parents ko at lalo na ang daddy ko, nagtiwala siya sa akin but I lost it dahil din sa pera. Hindi ko alam bakit pero as long as there is a way na makatulong ako sa pamilya ko, kahit magkautang ako, gagawin ko at ayos lang kahit wala nang matira sakin. Pati relationship ko sa officemates ko at kaibigan ko, iba na dahil sa fear of rejection na pag nalaman nila na ganito akong tao, lumayo sila. Matino naman akonf tao, ewan ko pero feeling ko they will judge me for what they do not know. Ang dami ko na ring mga kwentong nabuo para lang pagtakpan ang mga utang at pagkukulang ko.
Gusto ko na nga minsan tumakbo, umalis, magpakalayo para takasan ang lahat ng problema, utang, kasinungalingan but most of it is takasan anf realidad ng ngayon. Naisip ko na flight will not correct the mistakes, it may make me rest for a while but it will not make me correct my mistakes. I wanted to raise the white flag, but I’m not the quitter type. I may not be able to correct the mistakes of the past but I can and I have learned from it.
Ang hirap maging anak, kapatid, asawa’t ina.
*sigh*
Saturday, June 11, 2011
How can I tell?
How am I suppose to feel. We only have less than 6 hours left and I know for sure that I'm gonna miss him for sure.
Katabi ko siya ngayon at ang hirap isipin na magkakalayo kami for more than one year, ang tagal n'on. Ayoko din namang umuwi siya agad kasi gusto ko na mafulfill yunf dreams niya. Kung ako lang ang masusunod, ayokong umalis siya pero para sa kanya din yun.
Basta mamimiss ko siya at ayoko ng pamilyang malayo sa isa't-isa. Mahirap.
I can tolerate the pain of missing him today but how about tomorrow, the day after it, next week, next month, next year?
Why do people part? I'm hurting now, not because somebody's hurting me but because of the fact that I have always been alone ever since and I have to accept it because it is part of God's plan.
Katabi ko siya ngayon at ang hirap isipin na magkakalayo kami for more than one year, ang tagal n'on. Ayoko din namang umuwi siya agad kasi gusto ko na mafulfill yunf dreams niya. Kung ako lang ang masusunod, ayokong umalis siya pero para sa kanya din yun.
Basta mamimiss ko siya at ayoko ng pamilyang malayo sa isa't-isa. Mahirap.
I can tolerate the pain of missing him today but how about tomorrow, the day after it, next week, next month, next year?
Why do people part? I'm hurting now, not because somebody's hurting me but because of the fact that I have always been alone ever since and I have to accept it because it is part of God's plan.
Tuesday, April 26, 2011
HINAGPIS
*sigh*
12:25 AM. Lunchtime. Phone check: walang message. Ano ba? Nakakalito.
Nagdesisyon ako ng padalosdalos, hindi ko inisip yung outcome pero bahala na. Alam ko na rin naman ang ending nito at hindi ko naman pwedeng panghawakan ang pangakong walang basehan. Siguro nga panahon na para ipaubaya sa kapalaran ang kinabukasan at enjoyin nalang kung anuman ang meron ako ngayon. Nakakapagod magmahal kung alam mong nagawa mo nang lahat, tama at mali pero wala parin, hindi parin, ayaw parin. Gusto kong umiyak pero nakakahiya kasi ang daming tao, gusto kong umuwi nalang pero hindi pwede. Ano ba?
Sabi ko hiwalayan n’ya nalang ako at ginawa n’ya nga. Hindi na daw siya pupunta dito, bahala siya. Pinilit ko siyang pakisamahan ang pamilya ko pero bakit parang napakahirap para sa kanyang gawin ‘yon? Mahal siya ng mommy at daddy ko pero hindi niya man lang makuhang palit ng paggalang ‘yon. Pero dun sa magulang ng iba, nakikipagbonding siya. Kung ayaw niya, huwag niya. Bakit ko naman ipagpapalit ang pamilya ko sa taong hindi naman ako kayang mahalin bilang ako at ang nakikita lang sa akin ‘e yung lahat ng kasalanan ko. Hindi ko nga siguro alam ang tunay na kahulugan ng LOVE. Ewan. Ah ewan.
Kapag hindi siya dumating bukas, wala na talaga at wala naman akong choice kundi maging handa nalang. Masaktan man ako, atleast tapos na. Time heals all wounds naman eh tapos gagawin ko rin yung ginawa ni Julia Roberts sa Eat, Love and Pray, magpapahinga, magmemeditate, soul searching and focus muna sa anak ko at studies. Sisikapin kong simulan ang buhay na mag-isa, mangarap muli pero ngayon hindi ko na idedepende ang buhay ko sa buhay ng kung sinong tao. Magiging mabuting nanay, anak, kapatid, kaibigan, estudyante at empleyado. Love life? ‘Wag muna, nakakatakot, lalo pa’t babae ang anak ko, hindi pwedeng magpadalosdalos.
Sana mabasa ‘to ni Ishi. Kasi nahihirapan talaga ako (Ayan, tumulo na naman ang luha ko at nakakahiya kasi may mga tao) at wala akong karamay I’m in a crowd but I feel so alone. Nakakamiss tuloy si Ishi kasi kung sana’y katabi ko siya ngayon, may magpapahid ng luha ko. Nahihirapan na talaga ako. Gusto kong sumigaw Why did HE give me such a high quota for suffering and pain? Wala pa nga akong asawa pero parang bigla akong nagging biyuda.
Tuesday, April 19, 2011
This is a piece of art that I want to share with you all. The title of the song is Somebody by Depeche Mode. The lyrics speaks of what I want in my life, the want turned into a need that I have to have to be human and a real being.
I want somebody to share, share the rest of my lifeShare my innermost thoughts, know my intimate detailsSomeone who'll stand by my side and give me support
And in return she'll get my supportShe will listen to me when I want to speakAbout the world we live in and life in genera
Though my views may be wrong, they may even be pervertedShe'll hear me out, and won't easily be convertedTo my way of thinking in fact she'll often disagreeBut at the end of it all she will understand me
Though my views may be wrong, they may even be pervertedShe'll hear me out, and won't easily be convertedTo my way of thinking in fact she'll often disagreeBut at the end of it all she will understand meI want somebody who cares for me passionatelyWith every thought and with every breath
Someone who'll help me see things in a different lightAll the things I detest I will almost likeI don't want to be tied to anyone's stringsI'm carefully trying to steer clear of those things
But when I'm asleep I want somebodyWho will put their arms around me, kiss me tenderlyThough things like this make me sickIn a case like this I'll get away with it
aaOoh ohhOohAah
I can’t get over it. This has been my favorite for two years now and I don’t usually get attached to a song for that long.
I want somebody to share, share the rest of my lifeShare my innermost thoughts, know my intimate detailsSomeone who'll stand by my side and give me support
And in return she'll get my supportShe will listen to me when I want to speakAbout the world we live in and life in genera
Though my views may be wrong, they may even be pervertedShe'll hear me out, and won't easily be convertedTo my way of thinking in fact she'll often disagreeBut at the end of it all she will understand me
Though my views may be wrong, they may even be pervertedShe'll hear me out, and won't easily be convertedTo my way of thinking in fact she'll often disagreeBut at the end of it all she will understand meI want somebody who cares for me passionatelyWith every thought and with every breath
Someone who'll help me see things in a different lightAll the things I detest I will almost likeI don't want to be tied to anyone's stringsI'm carefully trying to steer clear of those things
But when I'm asleep I want somebodyWho will put their arms around me, kiss me tenderlyThough things like this make me sickIn a case like this I'll get away with it
aaOoh ohhOohAah
I can’t get over it. This has been my favorite for two years now and I don’t usually get attached to a song for that long.
Monday, April 18, 2011
Dreams of My Reality
What’s the difference between a nightmare and a dream?
According to Merriam Webster Dictionary nightmare is an evil spirit formerly thought to oppress people during sleep and a dream is a series of thoughts, images or emotions occurring during sleep.
Well basically they are the same, but in to make it less complex dream is when we like the thoughts that occurred when we were sleeping and nightmare is the opposite.
I just had a nightmare, well it was a really a dream. I know I’m afraid on how I will face it but I hope I can and I wish it was real. I wish it did happen in real life even if it was shameful and unforgivable. I’m already tired of putting things in other people’s perspective now; I guess it’s time to level up. But the real question is, Am I ready to hurt the people who trusted me loved me from the start and who never gave up on me through time? Life is a matter of fate and our fate is a product of our choice. I choose this, I choose to stay out of trouble and be happy.
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