There's nothing to celebrate, nothing special.
End of this blog.
End of the love story.
Thursday, December 15, 2011
Sunday, September 18, 2011
Loneliness VS Solitude
What do you do when you're alone?
Let me answer this. First I watch movies to kill time, movies that will make me cry bucket of tears because after crying, it is then that I feel better. After quiet sometime of indulging myself in a movie marathon, I call those ones I love to feel a sense of belonging. Quite easy right? With the technology today, there's really a lot of things that we can do when we're alone. But what if, just hypothetically, we're not to use these technology around us, no movie marathon, no internet, no psp, no phone calls and no nothing. Just you and your mere self. This is the hard part.
I have always heard people saying, "It's healthy to have a time for yourself, a moment of reflection and looking back." Well, this time for yourself thing is pathetic, especially, if this has been what you've been doing all the time. It makes one sick. Everything should be taken in moderation.
So, let's go back to the question, what do you do when you're alone? I mean alone like you're really alone, no technology, no nothing.
I reflect. That has become my masterpiece. With all those reflections, I've realized that, NOBODY CARES. No matter how much you mean to somebody and you feel lonely, the feeling won't be mutual. I've learned to not make someone a priority because you'll end up depending your happiness on them. I've learned that understanding is just a word and you can never fully understand someone unless you've had the same life with them. I've realized that I have given too much of me and left nothing for myself. I have isolated myself and I'm afraid to be out in the open again because of what I have become.
In solitude I have celebrated my existence but in loneliness I cursed it!
So Mr. Loneliness, if you can hear me, please stay away from my life. Don't ruin what I have hardly laboured for.
:(
Let me answer this. First I watch movies to kill time, movies that will make me cry bucket of tears because after crying, it is then that I feel better. After quiet sometime of indulging myself in a movie marathon, I call those ones I love to feel a sense of belonging. Quite easy right? With the technology today, there's really a lot of things that we can do when we're alone. But what if, just hypothetically, we're not to use these technology around us, no movie marathon, no internet, no psp, no phone calls and no nothing. Just you and your mere self. This is the hard part.
I have always heard people saying, "It's healthy to have a time for yourself, a moment of reflection and looking back." Well, this time for yourself thing is pathetic, especially, if this has been what you've been doing all the time. It makes one sick. Everything should be taken in moderation.
So, let's go back to the question, what do you do when you're alone? I mean alone like you're really alone, no technology, no nothing.
I reflect. That has become my masterpiece. With all those reflections, I've realized that, NOBODY CARES. No matter how much you mean to somebody and you feel lonely, the feeling won't be mutual. I've learned to not make someone a priority because you'll end up depending your happiness on them. I've learned that understanding is just a word and you can never fully understand someone unless you've had the same life with them. I've realized that I have given too much of me and left nothing for myself. I have isolated myself and I'm afraid to be out in the open again because of what I have become.
In solitude I have celebrated my existence but in loneliness I cursed it!
So Mr. Loneliness, if you can hear me, please stay away from my life. Don't ruin what I have hardly laboured for.
:(
Tuesday, July 12, 2011
Still my SOMEBODY
Happiness is subjective and as for me, I can only be happy if I I'm with my Yshi, know that she's okay and blissful too; if my family are all right; and if he finally gets to decide what he wants.
We have always been fighting, like always. Some may say that it's just normal since we're already over with the honeymoon phase. Well, I say, ours is different and I'm almost tired of it.
We are the most incompatible couple ever, or are we still couple or have we ever been couple? His idea of family, life and future is poles apart from mine. It breaks my heart because I’ve toiled so hard to make the US work and I've toiled harder to make US work forever. If we're not going to make it through, I do not want another day or any moment with him anymore because it will just make me lament a decade of my life. I'd rather spend it looking for the right one.
Love is commitment, understanding, forgiveness, trust, never self righteous, kindness and patience. But our love is only commitment and nothing else. Well, not really our love is commitment, doubt, misunderstanding, anger, vengeance, doubt, selfishness, rudeness and cruelty. Is this what that decade of knowing each other made us? We’ve aged too much but we’ve never grown up worst is we’ve grown away of each other.
I just want to feel valued. Is that too much to ask? I know I have had my shares of mistake too and I’m trying hard to change myself, to accept him for what he is but maybe it was not hard enough.
I remembered my favorite song…
I want somebody to share, share the rest of my lifeShare my innermost thoughts, know my intimate detailsSomeone who'll stand by my side and give me supportAnd in return she'll get my supportShe will listen to me when I want to speakAbout the world we live in and life in generlThough my views may be wrong, they may even be pervertedShe'll hear me out, and won't easily be convertedTo my way of thinking in fact she'll often disagreeBut at the end of it all she will understand meI want somebody who cares for me passionatelyWith every thought and with every breathSomeone who'll help me see things in a different lightAll the things I detest I will almost likeI don't want to be tied to anyone's stringsI'm carefully trying to steer clear of those thingsBut when I'm asleep I want somebodyWho will put their arms around me, kiss me tenderlyThough things like this make me sickIn a case like this I'll get away with itaaOoh ohhOohAahAfter all, I still want that somebody. I still want him to be that somebody.
Saturday, July 2, 2011
Well, Happy Birthday Tay!
We have known each other for a long time now and I must say that for each moment we spent together, I’m learning more about life and about you. We may be having a tough time these times but I know that we’re the best in terms of resolving our issues and I hope that we’ll never get tired of resolving our issues over time. What’s ahead of us is yet uncertain and I would accept it if we end up in somebody else’s arms or if we’re not meant to be together forever at least we were together once and that’s enough. You are a good person (I am not that bad too, but I’m not as good as you or them) and you deserve to be with someone better (better than me). You have a choice and even if ‘us’ is impossible, then remember that your best years are still ahead of you and I'll be there for every up, down and in between. If not physically, at least in prayers.
For all that we've been through, I still love you and I will always do.
Happy birthday again.
We have known each other for a long time now and I must say that for each moment we spent together, I’m learning more about life and about you. We may be having a tough time these times but I know that we’re the best in terms of resolving our issues and I hope that we’ll never get tired of resolving our issues over time. What’s ahead of us is yet uncertain and I would accept it if we end up in somebody else’s arms or if we’re not meant to be together forever at least we were together once and that’s enough. You are a good person (I am not that bad too, but I’m not as good as you or them) and you deserve to be with someone better (better than me). You have a choice and even if ‘us’ is impossible, then remember that your best years are still ahead of you and I'll be there for every up, down and in between. If not physically, at least in prayers.
For all that we've been through, I still love you and I will always do.
Happy birthday again.
Saturday, June 25, 2011
King of My Heart
Dad,
I wanted to blame you for everything that happened to my life, those decisions you've made, those mistakes you've done, those words you've said, they all left mark to my path and you we're always the figure that I have in mind everytime I think about the future. I wanted to hate you for a life that's so hard and for giving me a rough road. I wanted to disgust you for not doing everything for us, for me. I wanted to but I didn't,I won't and I can't.
Someday, I may find my prince but you will always be my king. Thank you for the decisions you've made for me when I was vacillating, they made me wise, your mistakes made me conscious and your words made me think. Thank you for a hard life and the rough road, it made me tough and I was able to learn how to live life even in the hard way. Thank you for not doing everything for me, I've realized how important it is for me to stand on my own.
You have Ishi now, you may have a new angel but dad I miss us, I miss talking to you and being your little girl again.
You're amazing Dad. You know how to do alwast all things from running the country to producing coffee, from making speeches to running a business, from singing to preaching. You rock. Cheers to you. Happy father's day.
I wanted to blame you for everything that happened to my life, those decisions you've made, those mistakes you've done, those words you've said, they all left mark to my path and you we're always the figure that I have in mind everytime I think about the future. I wanted to hate you for a life that's so hard and for giving me a rough road. I wanted to disgust you for not doing everything for us, for me. I wanted to but I didn't,I won't and I can't.
Someday, I may find my prince but you will always be my king. Thank you for the decisions you've made for me when I was vacillating, they made me wise, your mistakes made me conscious and your words made me think. Thank you for a hard life and the rough road, it made me tough and I was able to learn how to live life even in the hard way. Thank you for not doing everything for me, I've realized how important it is for me to stand on my own.
You have Ishi now, you may have a new angel but dad I miss us, I miss talking to you and being your little girl again.
You're amazing Dad. You know how to do alwast all things from running the country to producing coffee, from making speeches to running a business, from singing to preaching. You rock. Cheers to you. Happy father's day.
Bowled Over
Speechless.
It’s 4:14 AM and I have nothing to do.
(REWIND)
11:00 AM, I was pulled out to talk to my supervisor and my manager because of a complaint. The complaint says I was rude. Am I? So what now? What am I going to do for 6 1/5 hours aside from surfing the net and getting busy with the chat room which is very boring and full of insensitive people?
Well, I’m going to do the thing which I have become a master of, CONTEMPLATE.
4:21 na, pwede na akong mag-umpisang magcontemplate. Okay. So, ano na? Ayun, FRUSTRATING, kasi gusto kong maging magaling sa lahat ng gagawin ko, bata pa lang ako nasanay na akong maging super achiever at nasanay akong maging crème of the crop pero why is there a sudden twist of faith?
Una, gusto kong maging accountant, banker nga ako pero hindi naman ako accountant at malaki ang difference nun, ayokong magtrabaho sa call center pero wala naman akong choice kasi ito lang ang alam kong trabaho na magbibigay sakin ng perang ipangpapakain ko sa pamilya ko. Napakahirap maging honest talaga, mahirap iadmit na naghihirap ka kasi siyempre, pride na nga lang ang natira sayo and come to think of it, it’s one of the things that you can still keep for yourself and hold on to it no matter what at yun na lang talaga ang makakapagboost ng morale mo. Gusto kong kumita ng malaking pera para maibigay ko sa anak ko ang mga pangangailangan niya. Naibibili ko naman siya ng basic needs niya, gatas, pagkain, vitamins atbp, pero gusto ko rin siyang bilhan ng maraming laruan, books, damit na hindi niya naman masyadong kailangan, yung mga bagay na pwede namang wala nalang pero gusto ko meron siya nung mga yun kasi nga pride yun ng magulang at magulang ako. Kaso lang kulang talaga.
Pangalawa, ewan ko kunga pangalawa ba talaga to or continuation nung una, basta, gusto kong mafulfill ng partner ko ang dreams niya. Gusto kong maging police officer siya or soldier kasi yun talaga yung gusto niya. He was almost there. Magiging asawa na sana ako ng opisyal pero ayaw ng Diyos. May problema siya sa mata, partial colorblindness. Yung iba totally colorblind pero nakapagpatuloy kasi may puting kabayo at matigas na pader na sinasandalan, siya may nakikitang konti pero hindi nabigyan ng pagkakataon. Ngayon, wala parin siyang trabaho. Nahihirapan na nga ako kasi ako lang mag-isa ang kumikita. Gusto kong maghanap nalang siya ng ibang trabaho, yung makakadagdag naman sa kita namin para hindi naman ako masyadong mahirapan pero hindi ko masabi sa kanya sa paraang maiintindihan niya. I’m torn between helping him achieve him dreams or help him help me in helping our family. Hindi ko siya kayang obligahin na tulungan ako, kaya hanggat kaya ginagawa ko para kumita.
Pangatlo, ang dami ko nang nasisirang relationship, nasira ko ang relasyon naming ng kaibigan ko dahil sa utang na hindi ko pa nababayaran. Napapanaginipan ko sila palagi at sa panaginip ko lagi akong humihingi ng tawad. Feeling ko din sobrang nadisappoint ko parents ko at lalo na ang daddy ko, nagtiwala siya sa akin but I lost it dahil din sa pera. Hindi ko alam bakit pero as long as there is a way na makatulong ako sa pamilya ko, kahit magkautang ako, gagawin ko at ayos lang kahit wala nang matira sakin. Pati relationship ko sa officemates ko at kaibigan ko, iba na dahil sa fear of rejection na pag nalaman nila na ganito akong tao, lumayo sila. Matino naman akonf tao, ewan ko pero feeling ko they will judge me for what they do not know. Ang dami ko na ring mga kwentong nabuo para lang pagtakpan ang mga utang at pagkukulang ko.
Gusto ko na nga minsan tumakbo, umalis, magpakalayo para takasan ang lahat ng problema, utang, kasinungalingan but most of it is takasan anf realidad ng ngayon. Naisip ko na flight will not correct the mistakes, it may make me rest for a while but it will not make me correct my mistakes. I wanted to raise the white flag, but I’m not the quitter type. I may not be able to correct the mistakes of the past but I can and I have learned from it.
Ang hirap maging anak, kapatid, asawa’t ina.
*sigh*
It’s 4:14 AM and I have nothing to do.
(REWIND)
11:00 AM, I was pulled out to talk to my supervisor and my manager because of a complaint. The complaint says I was rude. Am I? So what now? What am I going to do for 6 1/5 hours aside from surfing the net and getting busy with the chat room which is very boring and full of insensitive people?
Well, I’m going to do the thing which I have become a master of, CONTEMPLATE.
4:21 na, pwede na akong mag-umpisang magcontemplate. Okay. So, ano na? Ayun, FRUSTRATING, kasi gusto kong maging magaling sa lahat ng gagawin ko, bata pa lang ako nasanay na akong maging super achiever at nasanay akong maging crème of the crop pero why is there a sudden twist of faith?
Una, gusto kong maging accountant, banker nga ako pero hindi naman ako accountant at malaki ang difference nun, ayokong magtrabaho sa call center pero wala naman akong choice kasi ito lang ang alam kong trabaho na magbibigay sakin ng perang ipangpapakain ko sa pamilya ko. Napakahirap maging honest talaga, mahirap iadmit na naghihirap ka kasi siyempre, pride na nga lang ang natira sayo and come to think of it, it’s one of the things that you can still keep for yourself and hold on to it no matter what at yun na lang talaga ang makakapagboost ng morale mo. Gusto kong kumita ng malaking pera para maibigay ko sa anak ko ang mga pangangailangan niya. Naibibili ko naman siya ng basic needs niya, gatas, pagkain, vitamins atbp, pero gusto ko rin siyang bilhan ng maraming laruan, books, damit na hindi niya naman masyadong kailangan, yung mga bagay na pwede namang wala nalang pero gusto ko meron siya nung mga yun kasi nga pride yun ng magulang at magulang ako. Kaso lang kulang talaga.
Pangalawa, ewan ko kunga pangalawa ba talaga to or continuation nung una, basta, gusto kong mafulfill ng partner ko ang dreams niya. Gusto kong maging police officer siya or soldier kasi yun talaga yung gusto niya. He was almost there. Magiging asawa na sana ako ng opisyal pero ayaw ng Diyos. May problema siya sa mata, partial colorblindness. Yung iba totally colorblind pero nakapagpatuloy kasi may puting kabayo at matigas na pader na sinasandalan, siya may nakikitang konti pero hindi nabigyan ng pagkakataon. Ngayon, wala parin siyang trabaho. Nahihirapan na nga ako kasi ako lang mag-isa ang kumikita. Gusto kong maghanap nalang siya ng ibang trabaho, yung makakadagdag naman sa kita namin para hindi naman ako masyadong mahirapan pero hindi ko masabi sa kanya sa paraang maiintindihan niya. I’m torn between helping him achieve him dreams or help him help me in helping our family. Hindi ko siya kayang obligahin na tulungan ako, kaya hanggat kaya ginagawa ko para kumita.
Pangatlo, ang dami ko nang nasisirang relationship, nasira ko ang relasyon naming ng kaibigan ko dahil sa utang na hindi ko pa nababayaran. Napapanaginipan ko sila palagi at sa panaginip ko lagi akong humihingi ng tawad. Feeling ko din sobrang nadisappoint ko parents ko at lalo na ang daddy ko, nagtiwala siya sa akin but I lost it dahil din sa pera. Hindi ko alam bakit pero as long as there is a way na makatulong ako sa pamilya ko, kahit magkautang ako, gagawin ko at ayos lang kahit wala nang matira sakin. Pati relationship ko sa officemates ko at kaibigan ko, iba na dahil sa fear of rejection na pag nalaman nila na ganito akong tao, lumayo sila. Matino naman akonf tao, ewan ko pero feeling ko they will judge me for what they do not know. Ang dami ko na ring mga kwentong nabuo para lang pagtakpan ang mga utang at pagkukulang ko.
Gusto ko na nga minsan tumakbo, umalis, magpakalayo para takasan ang lahat ng problema, utang, kasinungalingan but most of it is takasan anf realidad ng ngayon. Naisip ko na flight will not correct the mistakes, it may make me rest for a while but it will not make me correct my mistakes. I wanted to raise the white flag, but I’m not the quitter type. I may not be able to correct the mistakes of the past but I can and I have learned from it.
Ang hirap maging anak, kapatid, asawa’t ina.
*sigh*
Saturday, June 11, 2011
How can I tell?
How am I suppose to feel. We only have less than 6 hours left and I know for sure that I'm gonna miss him for sure.
Katabi ko siya ngayon at ang hirap isipin na magkakalayo kami for more than one year, ang tagal n'on. Ayoko din namang umuwi siya agad kasi gusto ko na mafulfill yunf dreams niya. Kung ako lang ang masusunod, ayokong umalis siya pero para sa kanya din yun.
Basta mamimiss ko siya at ayoko ng pamilyang malayo sa isa't-isa. Mahirap.
I can tolerate the pain of missing him today but how about tomorrow, the day after it, next week, next month, next year?
Why do people part? I'm hurting now, not because somebody's hurting me but because of the fact that I have always been alone ever since and I have to accept it because it is part of God's plan.
Katabi ko siya ngayon at ang hirap isipin na magkakalayo kami for more than one year, ang tagal n'on. Ayoko din namang umuwi siya agad kasi gusto ko na mafulfill yunf dreams niya. Kung ako lang ang masusunod, ayokong umalis siya pero para sa kanya din yun.
Basta mamimiss ko siya at ayoko ng pamilyang malayo sa isa't-isa. Mahirap.
I can tolerate the pain of missing him today but how about tomorrow, the day after it, next week, next month, next year?
Why do people part? I'm hurting now, not because somebody's hurting me but because of the fact that I have always been alone ever since and I have to accept it because it is part of God's plan.
Tuesday, April 26, 2011
HINAGPIS
*sigh*
12:25 AM. Lunchtime. Phone check: walang message. Ano ba? Nakakalito.
Nagdesisyon ako ng padalosdalos, hindi ko inisip yung outcome pero bahala na. Alam ko na rin naman ang ending nito at hindi ko naman pwedeng panghawakan ang pangakong walang basehan. Siguro nga panahon na para ipaubaya sa kapalaran ang kinabukasan at enjoyin nalang kung anuman ang meron ako ngayon. Nakakapagod magmahal kung alam mong nagawa mo nang lahat, tama at mali pero wala parin, hindi parin, ayaw parin. Gusto kong umiyak pero nakakahiya kasi ang daming tao, gusto kong umuwi nalang pero hindi pwede. Ano ba?
Sabi ko hiwalayan n’ya nalang ako at ginawa n’ya nga. Hindi na daw siya pupunta dito, bahala siya. Pinilit ko siyang pakisamahan ang pamilya ko pero bakit parang napakahirap para sa kanyang gawin ‘yon? Mahal siya ng mommy at daddy ko pero hindi niya man lang makuhang palit ng paggalang ‘yon. Pero dun sa magulang ng iba, nakikipagbonding siya. Kung ayaw niya, huwag niya. Bakit ko naman ipagpapalit ang pamilya ko sa taong hindi naman ako kayang mahalin bilang ako at ang nakikita lang sa akin ‘e yung lahat ng kasalanan ko. Hindi ko nga siguro alam ang tunay na kahulugan ng LOVE. Ewan. Ah ewan.
Kapag hindi siya dumating bukas, wala na talaga at wala naman akong choice kundi maging handa nalang. Masaktan man ako, atleast tapos na. Time heals all wounds naman eh tapos gagawin ko rin yung ginawa ni Julia Roberts sa Eat, Love and Pray, magpapahinga, magmemeditate, soul searching and focus muna sa anak ko at studies. Sisikapin kong simulan ang buhay na mag-isa, mangarap muli pero ngayon hindi ko na idedepende ang buhay ko sa buhay ng kung sinong tao. Magiging mabuting nanay, anak, kapatid, kaibigan, estudyante at empleyado. Love life? ‘Wag muna, nakakatakot, lalo pa’t babae ang anak ko, hindi pwedeng magpadalosdalos.
Sana mabasa ‘to ni Ishi. Kasi nahihirapan talaga ako (Ayan, tumulo na naman ang luha ko at nakakahiya kasi may mga tao) at wala akong karamay I’m in a crowd but I feel so alone. Nakakamiss tuloy si Ishi kasi kung sana’y katabi ko siya ngayon, may magpapahid ng luha ko. Nahihirapan na talaga ako. Gusto kong sumigaw Why did HE give me such a high quota for suffering and pain? Wala pa nga akong asawa pero parang bigla akong nagging biyuda.
Tuesday, April 19, 2011
This is a piece of art that I want to share with you all. The title of the song is Somebody by Depeche Mode. The lyrics speaks of what I want in my life, the want turned into a need that I have to have to be human and a real being.
I want somebody to share, share the rest of my lifeShare my innermost thoughts, know my intimate detailsSomeone who'll stand by my side and give me support
And in return she'll get my supportShe will listen to me when I want to speakAbout the world we live in and life in genera
Though my views may be wrong, they may even be pervertedShe'll hear me out, and won't easily be convertedTo my way of thinking in fact she'll often disagreeBut at the end of it all she will understand me
Though my views may be wrong, they may even be pervertedShe'll hear me out, and won't easily be convertedTo my way of thinking in fact she'll often disagreeBut at the end of it all she will understand meI want somebody who cares for me passionatelyWith every thought and with every breath
Someone who'll help me see things in a different lightAll the things I detest I will almost likeI don't want to be tied to anyone's stringsI'm carefully trying to steer clear of those things
But when I'm asleep I want somebodyWho will put their arms around me, kiss me tenderlyThough things like this make me sickIn a case like this I'll get away with it
aaOoh ohhOohAah
I can’t get over it. This has been my favorite for two years now and I don’t usually get attached to a song for that long.
I want somebody to share, share the rest of my lifeShare my innermost thoughts, know my intimate detailsSomeone who'll stand by my side and give me support
And in return she'll get my supportShe will listen to me when I want to speakAbout the world we live in and life in genera
Though my views may be wrong, they may even be pervertedShe'll hear me out, and won't easily be convertedTo my way of thinking in fact she'll often disagreeBut at the end of it all she will understand me
Though my views may be wrong, they may even be pervertedShe'll hear me out, and won't easily be convertedTo my way of thinking in fact she'll often disagreeBut at the end of it all she will understand meI want somebody who cares for me passionatelyWith every thought and with every breath
Someone who'll help me see things in a different lightAll the things I detest I will almost likeI don't want to be tied to anyone's stringsI'm carefully trying to steer clear of those things
But when I'm asleep I want somebodyWho will put their arms around me, kiss me tenderlyThough things like this make me sickIn a case like this I'll get away with it
aaOoh ohhOohAah
I can’t get over it. This has been my favorite for two years now and I don’t usually get attached to a song for that long.
Monday, April 18, 2011
Dreams of My Reality
What’s the difference between a nightmare and a dream?
According to Merriam Webster Dictionary nightmare is an evil spirit formerly thought to oppress people during sleep and a dream is a series of thoughts, images or emotions occurring during sleep.
Well basically they are the same, but in to make it less complex dream is when we like the thoughts that occurred when we were sleeping and nightmare is the opposite.
I just had a nightmare, well it was a really a dream. I know I’m afraid on how I will face it but I hope I can and I wish it was real. I wish it did happen in real life even if it was shameful and unforgivable. I’m already tired of putting things in other people’s perspective now; I guess it’s time to level up. But the real question is, Am I ready to hurt the people who trusted me loved me from the start and who never gave up on me through time? Life is a matter of fate and our fate is a product of our choice. I choose this, I choose to stay out of trouble and be happy.
Sunday, April 17, 2011
Just Like in Gossip Girl
What if life is as complicated as the lives of the people in Gossip Girl? Hypothetically, mine can be suited there and is a resemblance of each and every character. If I were a cast then I might be Serena Van Der Woodsen for having excuses and explanations for every action and for making them sound right even if they are wrong, I also have a friend who defends me and gets me out of trouble all the time or I can also be Blair Waldorf who will do everything to get what she wants, manipulates everyone to make the stars align as planned and to get even to those who have hurt her. I can also see myself in Lily Wan Der Woodsen who loves her family so much and follows the advice of the elderly but still knows a way to follow her heart. Well, I guess the best lesson that I have learned from it is from Serena’s and Dan’s relationship. Honesty is still the best policy. Do not judge so that you won’t be judged. Understand and let other’s understand. It’s okay not to forget but try to move at least and make sure to learn the lesson.
Sunday, April 10, 2011
My heart is pounding. I feel heavy. Just two weeks ago, well not really two weeks ago, I was so happy being surrounded by people, whom I know, loves me no matter what. I felt so secured and happy. The love we showed for each other was overwhelming. But then, you can not just feel that way all year round, we also have to be alone so that we can appreciate the presence of these people. And that’s where I’m at right now. I’m so alone but not lonely because I know somewhere under the same sky, they are thinking of me and praying that I will be fine.
Sunday, March 13, 2011
The Physics of Quest
I'm exhausted. For the past two years I've been dealing with this stranger who has done a lot of stupid things in her life. She's been ruling over me now and I'm no more than a jealous, selfish bastard who does nothing but pretend to be happy and contented even if I'm not. Well I am happy. I am happy about the fact that I have a daughter who, I know, loves me so much and a family that understands every single action that I do in my life.
Thinking about them makes me want to work hard for it- for my relationship and over this stranger, but it makes me more exhausted. We used to be so in love with each other and care so much about how the other one feels, that was according to what I believe but I do not know if it was real. Well sometime we believe we know but if we come to think of it the more we know the more we realize that we really don't know anything at all. Now I don't know if I knew or if i knew not.
It's just not working. Us, me, our family. Unless he also wants to work for it. It always takes two to tango and I've done my part.
I guess what I really wanted to know now is to learn the Physics of Quest, learning about myself because it all started from within. I'm completely a stranger to who I am right. I wan to be forgiven, I want to be taken cared of, I want to be LOVED.
I have forgotten about myself.
Sunday, February 20, 2011
Spell Happiness: I.S.H.I
Wow! It’s been a long time since my last blog. I’ve been busy with work and my kid, but I am so enjoying it. I missed this. Especially that there’s a lot going on in my life and I have not shared it to you. Well, I think I’ve been more mature now, a learned how to be humble and patient and most of all I learned how to love unconditionally.
Having Ishi around made a lot of difference in my life, well, not just in mine but for a lot of people. She’s an angel, and God is so good to have known that I, indeed, need her. She taught me a lot of things about growing up, about loving, about how it is to be selfless.
I miss the times when she was still 2 months old, she does not play, and she does not eat, nothing at all. She only cries and sleeps and drinks her milk. It makes me tired but now that I can play with her and that she giggles out loud, I don’t get exhausted anymore.
I can not contain the happiness to myself. I’m really happy, yes I am.
Having Ishi around made a lot of difference in my life, well, not just in mine but for a lot of people. She’s an angel, and God is so good to have known that I, indeed, need her. She taught me a lot of things about growing up, about loving, about how it is to be selfless.
I miss the times when she was still 2 months old, she does not play, and she does not eat, nothing at all. She only cries and sleeps and drinks her milk. It makes me tired but now that I can play with her and that she giggles out loud, I don’t get exhausted anymore.
I can not contain the happiness to myself. I’m really happy, yes I am.
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